Seeing myself beyond cancer
What stands out most to me about my experience is how safe and cared for I felt. The team was attentive, knowledgeable, and human. They took the time to understand my thoughts and fears, explain what was happening, and prepare me for the experience.
Going into the dosing session, I understood that I couldn’t predict what it would be like. It could be beautiful or difficult, comforting or frightening. I learned not to expect a particular outcome, but to approach whatever came up with curiosity rather than trying to avoid it.
The experience itself wasn’t dreamlike or foggy for me. It felt vivid and internal, almost like experiencing a different way of thinking and seeing things. There are parts of it that I still remember with remarkable clarity.
But the dosing session was only one part of my experience. Preparation mattered, and so did the work that came afterward. Integration can be difficult because it can take some time to understand what an experience means—if it even has any meaning at all. For me, journaling, reflecting, and paying attention to how the experience continues to show up in my life have all been part of that process.
I entered the trial while living with cancer, and cancer can be isolating. One of the most meaningful parts of the experience was feeling connected to something larger than my illness. It helped me see myself as more than “the cancer guy.” I was still me, and I was still part of the world around me.
That perspective didn’t make the challenges of everyday life disappear. I returned to my life, with all of its worries and complications. But something has stayed with me: a sense of connection, gratitude, and appreciation for being here.